I've had a couple of concerned emails from readers and realized I should probably post an update on how I'm doing. I knew it had been a while since I posted but I didn't realize it was that long. Time flies. I'm just going to expand on what I wrote in an email to one kind reader.
I'm doing as well as I can. I've been neglecting this site because, to be honest, I'm dealing with a ton of financial and legal issues resulting from rog's death and in order to get through them and get it all dealt with I pretty much have to ignore my emotions and just plow through it. Writing about it makes it all too immediate. I know I have to deal with it eventually but right now I have to concentrate on getting moved into a rental house, selling the house we built, finding a car I can afford, and negotiating with creditors (including both the IRS and OH income tax people). Plus so much of what I'm feeling right now towards rog is wrapped up in the personal and financial stuff and how angry I am that he left me and left me to deal with it. And a lot of the financial and legal stuff, not to mention my feelings about it all, are too shameful to share with the general internet public.
I know that's a cop out most journal readers hate. "Something big is happening to me but I can't tell you." It's not that I can't, it's just that when I try to tell you about it without dying of shame or breaking down into sobs (and since I usually post from work that would be bad) I can't do it. Let me just say this. No matter how old you are, single, married, polyamorous, with kids or happily childfree, get some life insurance. Even if it's a low cost, $25,000 policy, I can promise you that whoever is left behind to close out your life will be grateful. Not, "Woo, new car!" grateful. "Okay, now I can pay the estate bills" grateful. rog had no life insurance since we always relied on work for that and he wasn't full time when he died. The car insurance paid for the service and cremation and the blue book for the car, which wasn't much. Lots of very kind, generous people sent me money, including two amazing donations from the two internet communities that meant the most to us. I can never tell you how much all of it helped, it kept me from losing my house or car immediately and gave me time to figure out options. But the fact is the income got cut in half, the expenses remain (because anything in both our names is now my sole responsibility) and times were tight before he died. I don't want to share the details of what I'm doing to fix all this because I don't want to think about them. These issues are not what you think about when you get married and like many young couples we thought we had years to make plans for how to deal with death and associated issues.
And these days my issues seem very small compared to what so many people are going through right now. I know how devastating and hard just losing my husband was - I can not even fathom how much worse it must be to deal with losing everything you own, your job, your house, any idea of what the future brings and your loved ones all at once. I have family, friends, tangible memories of our time together, and I won't be homeless anytime soon because too many people around me refuse to let that happen. So I'm trying to keep busy, count my blessings, do what I can for those that have lost so much more, and Scarlett O'Hara ("I can't think about that today, I'll think about it tomorrow") all the rest.
Keeping busy has led me to knitting, the required craft of internet bloggers. (I'm kidding. Mostly.) Knitting is happy and fun even when frustrating and I could talk about it for days on end. So I'll be launching a knitting blog but I'll keep it separate for those of you that don't care about the status of my clapotis.
Thanks to all of you who keep me in your thoughts and prayers, check up on me, and generally lend me strength you didn't know you were giving. It means the world to me.
I'm thinking about you, Shae. Are you still making that awesome soap? If so, I will buy some fo' sho'!!!
Hug hug hug.
Posted by: Amy | Sunday, 25 September 2005 at 02:24 PM