The hits just keep coming.

Pet me or die.
Originally uploaded by Slickery.

Christmas was awful as expected and my mother had to go on medical leave from work because she's having anxiety attacks that landed her in the hospital. She went back to work part time this week and I thought things were going to get better for a couple of weeks before the anniversary of rog's death next month.

Then I had to have Raven put to sleep today. And I seriously think if one more awful thing happens to me or someone I love in the next few months I am going to lose my mind.

About two weeks ago she stopped being so needy and "pet me! pet me!" and started sleeping in closets and generally ignoring us all. I thought she was just returning to her normal behavior.

About a week ago I realized she was barely eating or drinking. It took several days to find her new hideout and get her out and she looked awful. Skin and bones, her right eye all pussy and crusted over and it seemed to exhaust her to take more than a step or two. She didn't eat or drink anything since last Sunday and only used the litterbox once so I got her into the vet this morning.

She was in liver failure, her kidneys weren't in failure but were in bad shape, and the bloodwork showed the presence of mono-somethings that indicated she had cancer. The vet said it would be kindest to put her to sleep.

Apparently her change in demeanor to wanting so much attention was her way of letting me know she was sick and I totally missed it. I feel horrible. rog loved her so much and I totally dropped the ball and let her suffer. And since I lost the house and the car and sold my engagement ring and anything of any value we had the cat was one of the few tangible connections to rog I had left. And I fucked that up royally.

I just want a vacation from reality. Or a time machine, a time machine would be good.

Comments

[Angela]

Hi Shae, this is Angela Boyko. I wish I could come over and give you a great big hug or knit with you or whatever you need. My thoughts are with you at this time.

With everything you're going through, it's natural to think your kitty was giving you space or reverting to habits. She was being a typical cat by hiding, it does not reflect on you as her human. You did the kindest thing you could do by putting her to sleep.